[Author’s Note: I’m trying to organize all of the stuff I’ve written on different sites onto one site where it’s easily accessible. This has also been published at Noisey. You can read that here.]

So the metal blogosphere is all atwitter about Ghost B.C., the anonymous prog-metal act formerly known as simply “Ghost,” who had to change their nom de rock after some legal issues. Turns out the band is selling buttplugs and dildos on their official web store as merch. In itself, this isn’t “weird,” as they aren’t the first band to sell sex toys to their audience. Anyone else remember the Rammstein dildo six-pack from 2009? Clearly, there’s a precedent for this.

What I’m mostly curious about isn’t the what, but the why. Why dildos and sex plugs? Is this a bid to tap into the underrepresented female and gay headbanging demographic? In that case, where the hell were all the Judas Priest buttplugs? Were there some occultists and spooky enthusiasts who were quietly wondering, “I wonder what it’d be like to fuck a ghost?” Maybe now there’s a tool to do so. Which is stupid. Ghosts are incorporeal by nature, and unless you’re Ke$ha or Mrs. Muir (from the 1947 film, the Ghost and Mrs. Muir) that’s impossible. Even the latter was told in no uncertain terms to find a real-life man to satisfy her fleshy, carnal desires. As for Ke$ha, homegirl is cray.

The Ghost Phallos Mortuus Ritual Box Set, which comes in five different sizes, from “Men’s Small” all the way up to “Men’s Extra, Extra Large.” 

Whatever the reason, Ghost B.C. dildos and buttplugs are here. They are now real things in the world. The Ghost Phallos Mortuus Ritual Box Set comes with an exclusive Papa Emeritus II Dildo Puppetmaster t-shirt which is super sick and only comes in the box set. What frightens me is that the entire set comes in different sizes, from “Men’s Small” all the way up to “Men’s Extra, Extra Large.” In addition to the silicone dildo and metal buttplug, you also get a divorce paper scroll with customized Ghost foil emblem (divorce from what? Life? Mortality?), and a brushed metal charm. The full box set is going to set you back about $200, but if you’re not entirely into committing, there’s also an option of purchasing the Ghost Phallos Mortuss Ritual Bag Set, which contains Papa Emeritus dildo and a velvet pouch to hold your Magic cards and 20-sided dice for 75 bucks. Ghost conveniently enough has a “Phalluses” section on their website that’s made writing this infinitely easier.

Whether you end up using them for their intended uses, or as a cool conversation pieces in your home, the fact remains that Ghost B.C. made creepy little dildos in the shape of a “bishops wearing a turtlenecks,” which might be a little too realistic. This isn’t the first blasphemously shaped sex toy either though. For that, Divine Interventions has got you covered with their Jackhammer Jesus dildo, and the rest of his Super Best Friends: Buddha, Shiva, Mary, the Devil, and the Grim Reaper. Hell, there’s even a pocket pussy in the shape of the Good Book for those of you bible-thumpers that’s bound to get you speaking in tongues by the time you’re finished.

That being said, I am a little curious about how well this little guy performs. And thankfully, based on the way he’s shaped, there’s absolutely no way that you’d be looking down and making eye-contact with the little dude. And I have no doubt that he’d right at home with my Mastodon running shorts, and all of the weird metal-themed tchotchkes around my apartment. So if anyone wants to send a box set to the VICE offices, you’re more than welcome to.

[Update: As I am no longer at VICE if you still want to send me stuff, please reach me via twitter at: @jessiepeterson.]